you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
