seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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