Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
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