when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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