Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize