You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
