I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
