new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
