So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Randomize
