Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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