I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I could fuck to npr.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
