Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
