I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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