I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
