No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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