dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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