I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I have aggressive nipples.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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