just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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