yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
