she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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