I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
