I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
