8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I am spending my child support on dildos
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
