i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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