I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
