i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
