Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
