Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
