She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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