He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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