i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize