I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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