Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
