Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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