So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
