I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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