oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
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