Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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