Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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