I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I need a burrito and a hug.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
