Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
