My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize