mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
