i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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