Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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