there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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