there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
