he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
