i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
