I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i think i have two assholes
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
