Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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