i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I cut my penus on the lid.
He passed out mid-signature
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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