I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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