He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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