I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
...so i touched it.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
