Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
