wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
