Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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