Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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