I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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