Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Randomize
