My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
