it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
